GIRL, UNPLUGGED
YA Novel Chapter 22 | 7 Minute Read
This is Chapter 22 of a YA novel. To see where the story began, check out the GIRL, UNPLUGGED table of contents post, or head to the GIRL, UNPLUGGED section of the Story Hoarder Substack page to see all the chapters.
This chapter is an 7 minute read.
CHAPTER 22: Fading Lights
I won’t ever claim that the move I made was a smart one. It was an action born of panic and played out exactly like such an action would. I saw Rainbow making her way over to me, and Daria giving me a sort of side eye, but I worked hard not to make any kind of eye contact as I walked over to my cot, grabbed my things, and left.
Oh yes, you read that correctly. My brilliant plan was to go it alone.
Here’s the thing. That’s not quite as crazy as it sounds on a typical day. We’re only talking about me walking a couple of miles on my own to a ferry terminal, to jump on a boat — which is free — to get home. The sun had risen. If it hadn’t, I’d probably still be sleeping on Russ’s shoulder. The thought sent a pang through my body.
Is it possible to like two boys at once?
Seeing Murph had sent a similar pang through my body, resulting in me letting go of Russ in an instant, but what did it mean?
It meant I was a terrible person. I was sure of it. I thought of all kinds of names I could be called and wanted to call myself. I thought about all of the judgements I cast on girls I barely knew in my classes when they broke up with one boy only to start dating another within a week. I always knew with such certainty that I would never, ever be one of those girls.
Never.
“Never say never!” I heard the singsong of my mother’s preachy voice in my mind as if she were walking right beside me on my mad dash to get away from the museum. I hadn’t gotten far. I stood feet away from the bench I woke up on that morning.
The heaves of breath came before the tears. My body committed to the emotion before I had any chance to squash it down. I sat down and laid into it. I missed everyone — my mom, my dad, Rog, Amy, now Murph, and Russ. I missed my peeps and the comfort of that outlet that had been serving me for so many years. What were they doing now? Were any of those avatars thinking about me? Were they missing our connection the way I was?
It hurt so much.
Written in Natalie’s Notebook
Morning 10/7, on a bench
Hey pages,
How you doing this morning? I know you are nothing but blank pieces of paper that are here to sop up my ink, my words, these little symbols I scratch on you, even my falling tears, but can you be more? For me? For today? For right now?
Here’s what we are going to do: we are going to pretend that you are a separate entity that has a consciousness that understands all I put here. Maybe you are too shy to respond, and I get that. I won’t expect anything from you, but as long as I know you are reading I can live with that.
Am I going crazy?
I feel like I am going crazy now. I don’t think anyone else in my class is losing it quite like this.
“We don’t really have time for this, Nat,” Murph said as he walked up to me at the bench.
Pang as I heard his voice. Of course it was Murph.
“That’s what I was trying to say to everyone in there.”
Pang as I looked at his face. Dammit, I was going to kick Rainbow’s butt for letting this guy out here.
“The police are coming.”
Pang as he sat down on the bench next to me, in the same spot Russ sat only moments before. Was the seat still warm?
“Isn’t that a good thing?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation as trigger-free as possible. “Won’t they have a way to help everyone get home?”
Murph shook his head and said, “They think so. They have some sort of ride system they are using for helping people traveling longer distances. But it’s not enough and they will just slow us all down.”
I looked right at him and noticed his eyes looked tired and sad. He was looking at me like a lost child trying to find his parents. There was little hope in his look, but what did live there felt like it was all faith in me helping him to find his way back. “If it’s faster than feet and a wheelchair, Murph, then I can’t see how they will slow everyone down.”
“Well, they had me set up for some kind of ride since yesterday — yesterday — but in the meantime they just had me waiting. All this time. I could’ve walked home four different times by now.” Now he looked at me, pleading with me to understand the suffering he had been through.
Really?
Like the terrible waiting in the protection of police, with people who had answers, surrounded by others who could safely make decisions with you in mind and find a way home for you was the worst thing in the world.
He’s joking right?
Like he was the one who was swept up into that scenario without any warning. Like he completely forgot that he just walked away from all of us — from me.
I was furious.
I stood up. “Why didn’t you go, then? If you’re worried about your bag, Brenda has it. Not me. No need to chase me out here so you can go. Why don’t you find Brenda and get walking… again!”
There were tears. I wish there was some sort of internal water vac that could be installed behind my eyes to suck back all the betrayers. I didn’t want Murph to think I was sad — I was next-level mad. My body was confused about it, that was all.
“Again?” Murph asked. “What are you talking about?”
I turned around, looked back over Murph’s shoulder and I could see that the museum door was wedged open with basically my whole class trying to squeeze their heads through the doorway to catch a view of our unveiling drama. I prayed the wind did not carry our voices their way. I saw a couple of hands waving us back in, but not one person took a single step out of the museum door themselves. It was like the doorway was the physical representation of their inner turmoil — get front row seats to the Murph and Nat show, or give them the privacy they needed?
I saw Brenda’s head in the crowd and I remembered how worried she was about Murph and became even more angry. Then I thought about Daria’s incessant, repeated question, “Why did he leave, Nat? Why?” I didn’t know. Now was my chance. If I dared to utter it out loud.
What would Talia do?
The Natalie in me wanted to grab my bag and keep walking. If Murph didn’t know what I meant by “Again,” then maybe it was pointless to educate him. I didn’t need to know why he left… right? Daria could ask him. She was the one who really wanted to know.
But, no.
That was not true.
I sat down. And, in case my words did carry on the wind, I spoke my next words in a near whisper. I imagined I was typing them on a screen in an emotion-free font, simple sentences, short, with periods, clear, small, but easy to understand. “Murph. You left me. Alone.”
He was immediately defensive, and did not seem to care if all of Central Park heard him. “I did not leave you alone! I went with Mrs. Krimble, and I —“
His huge reaction nearly scared me back into silence, but I tried to think of his words as just that, words being sprung up before me to be absorbed. What were the facts? What was he saying?
“You haven’t even mentioned Mrs. Krimble once,” I said as immediately as I realized it. He stammered, so I continued. “You’ve only told me about what happened to you.”
“What am I supposed to tell you?” Murph said. His voice was lowered, but his eyes still held the defensive fury.
“Why did you leave me?” I asked.
“Nat, come on,” he said with a laugh. “It wasn’t like that. I mean, damn. I didn’t leave you. I just left. I wasn’t even thinking about you then.”
Forget the pang, that was a hard-hitting, bone-rattling punch.
“Oh,” I said. “Right.”
I guess the punch knocked out Talia.
“Are we good now?” Murph said with a soft smile. “Can we go rally the troops to get back home now?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said. Not because I wanted to go anywhere with Murph, but because I suddenly couldn’t imagine doing anything alone.
Rainbow caught my arm the moment I entered the museum. “You okay?” she whispered in my ear. I gave her a small smirk, but couldn’t commit to anything happier. Before she could question me any further, Dustin was rubbing my head like I was a little puppy. “No one’s saying you didn’t have the right idea, Turner. It’s just that we should try to eat or something before we all go, right Stell?”
Stella reached up to place a light kiss on Dustin’s cheek before responding. “This one’s always thinking of food.” She was tucked in under Dustin’s arm. Since their secret was out, it appeared Stella no longer minded public displays of affection.
“I thought about that,” Murph said. “I couldn’t grab much.” He started reaching into his pockets pulling out various snack packs of cookies. “It’s not exactly the breakfast of champions, but—”
“Put that nonsense away,” Princess said. “We didn’t clear out that cafeteria yesterday. And Turner found more than enough portable snacks for all of us.”
“Oh crap! The cafeteria!” Murph said. “That is amazing. I’m starving!”
“What’s amazing,” Russ started as he clapped Murph hard on the back, grabbing his shoulder, “is what we can accomplish when we all stick together.”
They led the way back down the stairs to the cafeteria where I spotted the glow sticks from the day before still offering tiny halos of fluorescent colors. They were so weak and basically useless today. It was hard to believe they were the same sticks I had placed there.
I had no interest in eating, but I thought better of it remembering how hungry I was the day before after my silly flirtatious pretzel lunch. Rainbow sat with me and wanted to know everything that happened with Murph and me. I told her he apologized for leaving.
I didn’t really want to talk about it. I didn’t want to say out loud that he admitted to not even thinking about me, as if saying the words would bring the hurt back again. She tried to keep talking to me about Murph and telling me how she thought Russ had my back and how he was staring at me from across the room and all the typical stuff that a self-admitted boy-crazy girl wants to talk about. I needed to shut her down, so I did the only thing I could think of — I asked her about her dad’s stent.
It worked, and I immediately regretted it. The mere mention of Rainbow’s dad sucked all of the color from her face and her personality. I felt so bad that I needed to find a way to fix it. “Maybe the stent will be fine,” I said desperately. “How does it work, anyway?”
“I don’t know,” Rainbow said. “It was supposed to unclog his arteries somehow.”
“I’m sure he’s fine, Rainbow,” I said, imagining that was all I needed to do to make her feel better. We ate in silence for the rest of the time we were there. I found myself thinking back to the glowsticks fading in the stairwell, and realized there wasn’t anything quite so hard to believe about them, I knew exactly how quickly bright things could fade.
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